so, i haven't been updating/checking this journal all the recently anymore. xanga has been where my thoughts tend to be dumped now.so, if you'd like to know more, you can check out more of becky's thoughts here: www.xanga.com/sadoqat ("sadoqat" is my name in uzbek. anna gave it to me when she lived over there with her family. it means "faithful", which is the closest thing we could find to what "rebecca/becky" means: "devoted". cool, huh? i like names! speaking of which, has anyone seen "elizabethtown"? don't listen to the critics. it was good! trust me on this one! and if you had a problem with it, please let me know! i'd also like ot hear if you enjoyed it, okay? okay,i'm going to transition out of parentheses now...)

hope you all are doing well! have a splendidly fantastic day, everyone! (this isn't good-bye, just so you know. i'm sure i'll post more here and there, and i'll be checking back to read what you all have to say, for sure. but just to let you where i'll be if you haven't heard from me in a while, check xanga! okay, peace out!) :-)

this past week i sat on a rock overlooking lake tahoe in nevada (and california, although i think i was on the nevadan side... but maybe not.). while i sat there, drying myself in a sun that felt closer than it ever has, i heard the whisper of God that so many people crave, i suppose. i thought everyone heard it--in the wind as it dances with the trees, in the waves as they sprung onto the rocks below me, in the crickets lulling each other to sleep under the stars, and in the birds waking each other up at dawn with sonnets and poems, no doubt (only it's in bird language so we can't understand them or feel their rhyme). this is what i heard: "becky, My child, trust Me. I've got this one. no worries. I will take care of you--there is no need to fear. I know you inside and out, I know how much you hate plans, and believe Me when i say I will work it out. I am working it out right now, you just can't see it. there is so much more going on than you can see at this point, so be patient with Me, wait for Me, and know that I love you. I love you so much!! thank you for your trust, and your love for  Me. I can see it, and it makes My heart glad. you make Me smile, My love. now put your heart to rest, lay aside your troubles and worries, and enjoy this life I have given you."

wow... :-) "thanks, God!"

For all you girls out there (and any boys who think they're man enough to dive into the world of a woman), hear this:

As soon as it is possible, you must get your hands on a copy of the book Captivating by John and Stasi Elderedge!!! (john's written several other very good books, including the sacred romance, wild at heart for guys, and waking the dead --all incredibly moving and powerful books!) i only just finished the second chapter, and i've already almost cried several times. They have so captured the heart of a woman and actually put some of those deeply intense longings into words that i've been struggling with for so long. i'll try not to quote it left and right (you're probably sick of those by now after the narnia quotes!), but seriously, it's amazing. And guys, if you haven't read Wild at Heart for yourselves, please do. He's used a couple excerpts from that book in this one, and it sounds like it would be just as life-changing and encouraging for you. i hope to be brave enough to read that soon as well. ...Okay, that's it. Good night, fair souls.

when i haven't seen someone for a while and i expect them to be exactly the same when i have undergone so much growth. (march 30, 2004)

deathbyphineas

bradleyhamilton

apt4life

carissacarpcdc

danielwead

"They said, 'Boy, you just follow your heart,' but my heart just led me into my chest.

They said, 'Follow your nose,' but the direction changed every time i went and turned my head.

And they said, 'Boy, you just follow your dreams,' but my dreams were only misty notions.

But the Fatehr of hearts and the Maker of noses and the Giver of dreams, He's the One i have chosen and i will follow Him."

~rich mullins

Hey, guys,

Just in case you forgot, there is a war going on... A few of you know Nate Coffey, who is a sniper out in the thick of it. Well, his base was attacked and several of his friends got shot, including his only Chrstn friend, Matt. They weren't killed, but it is traumatic, nonetheless. Pray, guys. Pray for safety, and for all of this to end soon, so that wives and mothers and fiancee's and daughters and sons and uncles and grandparents and Everybody can get their boys and girls back safely and in one piece. On both sides. (this is ridiculous. "why war, God?")

Last, but certainly not least (sorry for the length, guys)... (enjoy, bobby!)... :-) ...i miss Cora...

            “The conclusion of the saga that began with The Magician’s Nephew. Narnia… where you must say good-bye… and where the adventure begins again.

The Unicorn says that humans are brought to Narnia when Narnia is stirred and upset. And Narnia is in trouble now: a false Aslan roams the land. Narnia’s only hope is that Eustace and Jill, old friends to Narnia, will be able to find the true Aslan and restore peace to the land. Their task is a difficult one because, as the Centaur says, “The stars never lie, but Men and Beasts do.” Who is the real Aslan and who is the imposter?”

            [the animals are all sad and miserable because the Ape, Shift, is keeping “Aslan” locked up in a stable and only allows them to see “him” at night. They want to talk to him face to face, as they did in the old days, but Shift says things are different now. He says the god of the Calormenes, Tash, is the same as Aslan. A little lamb works up the nerve to ask a question…]

            “Please,” said the Lamb, “I can’t understand. What have we to do with the Calormenes? We belong to Aslan. They belong to Tash. They have a god called Tash. They say he has four arms and the head of a vulture. They kill Men on his altar. I don’t believe there’s any such person as Tash. But if there was, how could Aslan be friends with him?”

            All the animals cocked their heads sideways and all their bright eyes flashed towards the Ape. They know it was the best question anyone had asked yet.

            The Ape jumped up and spat at the Lamb. “Baby!” he hissed. “Silly little bleater! Go home to your mother and drink milk. What do you understand of such things? But the others, listen. Tash is only another name for Aslan. All that old idea of us being right and the Calormenes wrong is silly. We know better now. The Calormenes use different words but we all mean the same thing. Tash and Aslan are only two different names for you know Who. That’s why there can never be any quarrel between them. Get that into your heads, you stupid brutes. Tash is Aslan: Aslan is Tash.”

            You know how sad your dog’s face can look sometimes. Think of that and then think of all the faces of those Talking Beasts—all those honest, humble, bewildered Birds, Bears, Badgers, Rabbits, Moles, and Mice—all far sadder than that. Every tail down, every whisker drooped. It would have broken your heart with very pity to see their faces.”

 [the last king of Narnia arrived then and spoke up] “Ape,” he cried with a great voice, “you lie damnably. You lie like a Calormene. You lie like an Ape.”

            He meant to go on and ask how the terrible god Tash who fed on the blood of his people could possibly be the same as the good Lion by whose blood all Narnia was saved. If he had been allowed to speak, the rule of the Ape might have ended that day; the Beasts might have seen the truth and thrown the Ape down. But before he could say another word two Calormenes struck him in the mouth with all their force, and a third, from behind, kicked his feet from under him. And as he fell, the Ape squealed in rage and terror.

            “Take him away. Take him away. Take him where he cannot hear us, nor we hear him. There tie him to a tree. I will—I mean, Aslan will—do justice on him later.”

            …“With a good will, Sire,” said Jewel the Unicorn.  [any time Tirian gave him a mission.]

            … [They were ready for “the adventure Aslan would send them”--King Tirian, Puzzle the Donkey, Jewel the Unicorn, Jill, Eustace, and Poggin the one faithful Narnian Dwarf were on their way back to Stable Hill for the last fight of their lives. Eustace asks Jill, or “Pole” as he calls her, what would happen if they died here in Narnia…]

            “We’ll be dead, I suppose.”

            “But I mean, what will happen in our own world? Shall we wake up and find ourselves back in that train? Or shall we just vanish and never be heard of any more? Or shall we be dead in England?”

            “Gosh. I never thought of that.”

            “It’ll be rum for Peter and the others if they saw me waving out of the window and then when the train comes in we’re nowhere to be found! Or if they found two—I mean, if we’re dead over there in England.”

            “Ugh!” said Jill. “What a horrid idea.”

            “It wouldn’t be horrid for us,” said Eustace. We shouldn’t be there.”

            “I almost wish—no, I don’t, though,” said Jill.

“What were you going to say?”

            “I was going to say I wished we’d never come. But I don’t, I don’t , I don’t. Even if we are killed. I’d rather be killed fighting for Narnia than grow old and stupid at home and perhaps go about in a bath-chair and then die in the end just the same.”  [insight: what would you like to be found doing when you die? Are you doing something worth dying for? Are you living the kind of life you can be proud of at the end, looking back?]

… Jill looked at the King: his mouth was open and his face was full of horror. And then she understood the devilish cunning of the enemies’ plan. By mixing a little truth with it they had made their lie far stronger. What was the good, not of telling the Beasts that an ass had been dressed up as a lion to deceive them? The Ape would only say, “That’s just what I’ve said.” What was the good of showing them Puzzle in the his lion-skin? They would only tear him to pieces. “That’s taken the wind out of our sails,” whispered Eustace. “The ground is taken from under our feet,” said Tirian. “Cursed, cursed cleverness!” said Poggin. “I’ll be sworn that this new lie is of Ginger’s making.”  [Ginger is the Cat who joined the Calormenes in their plot to over throw Narnia].

[Next comes lots of fighting and our heroes entering the stable one by one as the enemy seems to have won. But, once inside things look much different. Tirian was the last one through the door…]

… “Seven Kings and Queens stood before him, all with crowns on their heads and all in glittering clothes [which feel beautiful as well as look beautiful in Narnia—they know how to make them that way, you know!], but the Kings wore fine mail as well and had their swords drawn in their hands.” [it was Jill and Eustace, and the Lord Digory and the Lady Polly, “who came into Narnia on the First Day, when Aslan made the trees grow and the Beasts talk,” and the High King Peter, and his brother King Edmund, and of course Queen Lucy.]

“Sir,” said Tirian, [speaking to King Peter], when he had greeted all these. “If I have read the chronicle aright, there should be another. Has not your Majesty two sisters? Where is Queen Susan?”

“My sister Susan,”answered Peter shortly and gravely, “is no longer a friend of Narnia.”

“Yes,” said Eustace, “And whenever you’ve tried to get her to come and talk about Narnia or do anything about Narnia, she says, ‘What wonderful memories you have! Fancy your still thinking about all those funny games we used to play when we were children.”

“Oh Susan!” said Jill. “She’s interested in nothing nowadays except nylons and lipstick and invitations. She always was a jolly sight too keen on being grown-up.”

“Grown-up, indeed,” said the Lady Polly. “I wish she would grow up. She wasted all her school time wanting to be the age she is now, and she’ll waste all the rest of her life trying to stay that age. Her whole idea is to race on to the silliest time of one’s life as quick as she can and then stop there as long as she can.”

“Well, don’t let’s talk about that now,” said Peter. ‘Look! Here are lovely fruit trees. Let us taste them.”

And then, for the first time, Tirian look about him and realized how very queer this adventure was.

[he found the stable door standing there and could look through it into the other world, but it was standing all by itself in the middle of this lovely new world.]

“He looked round again and could hardly believe his eyes. There was blue sky overhead, and grassy country spreading as far as he could see in every direction, and his new friends all round him laughing.”

“It seems, then,” said Tirian, smiling to himself, “that the stable seen from within and the stable seen from without are two different places.”

“Yes,” said the Lord Digory. “Its inside is bigger than its outside.”

“Yes,” said Queen Lucy. “In our world too, a stable once had something inside it that was bigger than our whole world.”  [note: this is the only mention c.s.lewis makes of Christianity point-blank]  It was the first time she had spoken, and from the thrill in her voice, Tirian now knew why. She was drinking everything in even more deeply than the others. She had been too happy to speak. He wanted to hear her speak again, so he said:

“Of your courtesy, Madam, tell on. Tell me your whole adventure.”

[Lucy shares what things looked like from the other side of the stable door, complete with the story of Emeth the young Calormene who was searching for Tash. Then they try to help the Dwarfs who choose not to believe or see anything that is real—they imagine themselves still in the musty stable]

“Oh dear!” said Lucy. “What are we to do for them?”

“Let ‘em alone,” said Eustace: but as he spoke the earth trembled. The sweet air grew suddenly sweeter. A brightness flashed behind them. All turned. Tirian turned last because he was afraid. There stood his heart’s desire, huge and real, the golden Lion, Aslan himself, and already the others were kneeling in a circle round his forepaws and burying their hands and faces in his mane as he stooped his great head to touch them with his tongue. Then he fixed his eyes upon Tirian, and Tirian cam near, trembling, and flung himself at the Lion’s feet, and the Lion kissed him and said, “Well done, last of the King of Narnia who stood firm at the darkest hour.”

 [Aslan spreads a feast at Lucy’s request for the unbelieving Dwarfs, but they take it as hay and the things you find in a stable, so he loves on—he has other work to do, for: “Now is the time!” and you will have to read the book to find out what “time!” it was! (“a Narnia inside a Narnia” as the old one is destroyed, and the countries just keep growing and becoming more real as they continue their journey “Further up and further in!”)]  ~The Last Battle

Cora flies out today..... what am i going to do without her? We're going to finish up The Last Battle in the airport (hopefully, if all goes well)... here's book #6 for the record (wow, it's long. there was so much that was good in this one, though!)

“These are the Signs by which I will guide you on your quest [to find the long lost Prince Rilian of Narnia, Caspians’ only son]. First; as soon as the Boy Eustace sets foot in Narnia, he will meet an old and dear friend. He must greet that friend at once; if he does, you will both have good help. Second; you must journey out of Narnia to the north till you come to the ruined city of the ancient giants. Third; you shall find a writing on a stone in that ruined city, and you must do what the writing tells you. Fourth; you will know the lost Prince (if you find him) by this, that he will be the first person you have met in your travels who will ask you to do something in my name, in the name of Aslan.”  [Jill Pole, who came with Eustace, also called Scrubb as that is his last name, on this trip, seemed to think that was enough to simply hear them, but the Lion encouraged her to repeat the Signs to herself in the morning when she woke up and before going to bed at night and when she awoke in the middle of the night so she wouldn’t forget them. So, she learned them by heart.]

            …[the children’s first encounter with Puddleglum, the Marsh-Wiggle]: “Glimfeather [the owl] was calling. “Wake up, Puddleglum, wake up. It is on the Lion’s business.”

For a long time there was no reply. Then, a long way off, a dim light appeared and began to come nearer. With it came a voice.

            “Owls ahoy!” it said. “What is it? Is the King dead? Has an enemy landed in Narnia? Is it a flood? Or dragons?”  [You see, he’s very much a pessimist, but he’s really quite a lovely pessimist. And according to other Marsh-wiggles he’s too flighty and needs something to sober him up a bit. So he agrees to travel with Eustace and Jill and be their guide.]

…“Oh, Bother the Signs!” [Jill gave up reciting the Signs to herself and became much more interested in hot baths and comfort, promised them by the Lady of the Green Kirtle, which also just so happens to be the Witch who kidnapped Prince Rilian and wanted to throw them off their quest. They did get sidetracked for a while, but soon found the words “UNDER ME” written in stone and rather accidentally obeyed them.]

… “Well!” said Puddleglum, rubbing his hands. “This is just what I needed. If these chaps don’t teach me to take a serious view of life, I don’t know what will. Look at that fellow with the walrus moustache—or that one with the—“

“Get up,” said the leader of the Earthmen.

There was nothing else to be done. The three travelers scrambled to their feet and joined hands. One wanted the touch of a friend’s hand at a moment like this.

… “Many sink down to the Underworld, and few return to the sunlit lands.”

… “Is it not the merriest jest in the world that you should have though they were written to you?”   [the words UNDER ME written among the ruins of an ancient giants’ city. Sign #3]

This was like cold water down the back to Scrubb and Jill; for it seemed to them very likely that the words had nothing to do with their quest at all, and that they had been taken in by a mere accident.

“Don’t you mind,” said Puddleglum. “There are no accidents. Our guide is Aslan; and he was there when the giant king caused the letters to be cut, and he knew already all things that would come of them; including this.”

… “Once and for all,” said the prisoner [prince rilian, whom they are seeking], “I adjure you to set me free. By all fears and all loves, by the bright skies of Overland, by the great Lion, by Aslan himself, I charge you—“

“Oh!” cried the three travelers as though they had been hurt. “It’s the Sign,” said Puddleglum.

“It was the words of the Sign,” said Scrubb more cautiously. “Oh, what are we to do?” said Jill.

It was a dreadful question. What had been the use of promising one another they would not on any account set the Knight free, if they were now to do so the first time he happened to call upon a Name they really cared about? On the other hand, what had been the use of learning the Signs if they weren’t going to obey them? Yet could Aslan have really meant them to unbind anyone—even a lunatic—who asked it in his name? Could it be a mere accident? Of how if the Queen of the Underworld knew all about the Signs and had made the Knights learn this name simply in order to trap them? But then, supposing this was the real Sign?... They had muffed three already; they daren’t muff the fourth.

“Oh, if only we knew!” said Jill.

“I think we do know,” said Puddleglum.

“Do you mean you think everything come right if we do untie him?” said Scrubb.

“I don’t know about that,” said Puddleglum. “You see, Aslan didn’t tell Pole what would happen. He only told her what to do. That fellow will be the death of us once he’s up, I shouldn’t wonder. But that doesn’t let us off from following the Sign.”

…[the Witch, the Queen of the Underworld, who has kidnapped the prince and is keeping him under an enchantment, now works her evil magic on Jill and Scrubb [a.k.a. Eustace], Prince Rilian, and Puddleglum, the Marshwiggle….]

“for the last few minutes Jill had been feeling that there was something she must remember at all costs. And new she did. But it was dreadfully hard to say it. She felt as if huge weights were laid on her lips. At last, with an effort that seemed to take all the good out of her, she said:

“There’s Aslan.”

“Aslan?” said the Witch, quickening ever so slightly the pace of her thrumming. “What a pretty name! What does it mean?”

“He is the great Lion who called us out of our own world,” said Scrubb, “and sent us out this to find Prince Rilian.”

“What is a lion?” asked the Witch.

“Oh hang is all!” said Scrubb. “Don’t you know? How can we describe it to her? Have you ever seen a cat?”

“Surely,” said the Queen. “I love cats.”

“Well a lion is a little bit—only a little bit, mind you—like a huge cat—with a mane. At least, it’s not like a horse’s mane, you know, it’s morel like a judge’s wig. And it’s yellow. And terrifically strong.”

The Witch shook her head. “I see,” she said, “that we should do no better with your lion, as you call it, than we did with your sun. You have seen lamps, and so you imagined a bigger and better lamp and called it the sun. You’ve seen cats, and now you want a bigger and better cat, and it’s to be called a lion. Well, ‘tis a pretty make-believe, though, to say truth, it would suit you all better if you were younger. And look how you can put nothing into your make-believe without copying it from the real world, this world of mine, which is the only world. But even you children are too old for such play. As for you, my lord Prince, thou art a man full grown, fie upon you! Are you not ashamed of such toys? Come, all of you. Put away theses childish tricks. I have work for you all in the realy world. There is no Narnia, no Overworld, no sky, no sun, no Aslan. And now, to bed all. And let us begin a wiser life tomorrow. But first, to bed; to sleep; deep sleep, soft pillows, sleep without foolish dreams.”

[but then Puddleglum musters his courage, stamps out the enchanted fire, and speaks up…]

“One word, Ma’am,” he said, coming back from the fire; limping, because of the pain. “One word. All you’ve been saying is quite right, I shouldn’t wonder. I’m a chap who always liked to know the worst and then put the best face I can on it. So I won’t deny any of what you said. But, there’s one thing more to be said, even so. Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things—trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that’s the funny thing, when you come to think of it. We’re just babies making up a game, if you’re right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That’s why I’m going to stand by the play world. I’m on Aslan’s side even if there isn’t any Aslan to lead it. I’m going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn’t any Narnia. So, thanking you kindly for our supper, if these two gentlemen and the young lady are ready, we’re leaving you court at once and setting out in the dark to spend our lives looking for Overland. Not that our lives will be very long, I shouldn’t think; but that’s small loss if the world’s as dull a place as you say.”

~The Silver Chair

Be in Andrea Summer's Music Video "Better"!!!

When: Thursday August 18

i just got back from the wedding, and it was amazing, absolutely beautiful! It had Drew and Jen's personality woven completely through the entire thing, and it was so much fun--to be a part of that eventful day in their lives, to see and hang out with other dear friends, to meet new ones, to dance till my legs ached, to cry because a love like that is so beautiful to see, etc... Wow... Ku and i drove up to Columbus to catch a ride with Mars and Andrea on Thursday morning, and we hiked it out to Waynesboro, Virignia. We spent the day with the bride and groom and the evening at a bachelorette party/bridal shower thing (always interesting, to say the least). Friday morning we went to the church to help cook with her grandma and get decorations ready (they got married in the field across the street--you can actually see it from jen's house!), then we all piled into three cars and headed to St. Mary's where we hiked to and played in a waterfall. Beautiful!! (by the way, "we all" includes anyone and everyone who has had any association with CCU, or was a part of the wedding party--maybe 15 of us all together? more showed up later for the actual wedding.) i got a rather nasty cut on my foot from crossing the creek for the billionth time, but nothing like the way my feet were after climbing on the rocks during spring break a couple years ago. Ku and i spent the rest of the evening with our host family, Jen's youth leaders (wonderful people! richard and fannie miller!), hanging out and eating free Italian! Saturday we slept in and hung out with the other great girls staying with us (we had a fabulous breakfast each day--it felt like a bed and breakfast! definitely a new level of hospitality has been found in these people!). We got ready for the wedding, and arrived at the field in time to see the sights (i won't bore you with the details that you wouldn't understand unless you had been there!). The actual ceremony was wonderful: Jen's old minister and his wife married them, a famous drummer (who has played with bob marley and dave matthews band) and Andrea played some music, they used music from "Man of La Mancha" for the walking-in part, Jen's facial expressions were beautiful to watch, they washed each others' feet as Andrea sang a haunting Latin song about Amarillis, they read vows they had written themselves to each other, the ministers used Colossians 3:12-17 (i had never thought about how well that fit with a marriage relationship, or any relationship in general), Drew wiped the tears from Jen's cheekbones right before they kissed (the whole thing was such a joyously intense, emotionally charged experience--incredible!) .... anyway, it was amazing! And at the reception, we ate and and drank and were merry, and danced to a folk band (which was a ton of fun!) in a barn while the rain cooled things off all around us! Beautiful!

Well, that may have been more detail than you wanted, but believe me, there's lots more if you want to hear it. :-) On the whole, it was very laid-back, yet handled with style. The colors worked well together, using lots of ribbons and flowers of summery yellows and soft greens and warm browns. i danced with Drew and his sweaty ruffly brown shirt, at the end during the $ dance. We all danced so much, and didn't feel it till later that night. The drummer kept it up, even after the folk band started putting their fiddles and banjos and upright bass away! We had a blast! i wish we could dance like that every day of our lives.... And they'll be living on route 52, down by the river, so we can go visit often!!

By the way, if anyone wants to be in a Music Video, August 18th and 19th, Andrea and Ben (the world-famous thornburg) are capturing "Better" on film, and they need extras!!! If you're interested, i can give you more details (the when and where) as soon as i know them. :-)   (they're looking for 100-150 people, so bring your friends, plan for some fun, and support our wonderful friends in this endeavor!) Thanks for listening! Tune in next time for,... well, probably more advenutres of some type or other!